Harry Potter Bad Vignette Collection
by William X
Summary: Title says all
1. Harry Gets Tired

Harry Gets Tired:

Harry Potter was sitting on the couch. His uncle went up to him and said. "Vacuum the carpet."

"I don't want to, Big Fat Stupid Mean Uncle Vernon" Harry Replied.

"WHAAAAAT!" Big Fat Stupid Mean Uncle Vernon Roared.

Big Fat Stupid Mean Uncle Vernon smacked Harry Potter in the face. Harry Grumbled and started to vacuum, while Big Fat Stupid Uncle Vernon sat on the couch. Harry was tired of Big Fat Stupid Mean Uncle Vernon's abuse.  
>Harry pulled out his wand and shot a spell at the couch. Suddenly Big Fat Stupid Mean Uncle Vernon jumped up and screamed "MY BUTT IS ON FIIIIIIIRE!"<br>Harry laughed, he liked seeing Big Fat Stupid Mean Uncle Vernon Suffer.

Dudley grabbed the fire extinguisher, but pointed it the wrong direction. "HELP ME, I AM A CREAMFACE!" he shouted.

Harry ran up the stairs and into his room. Pamela then burst into the door. "Hedwig, give some crap" Harry said.

Harry through the crap at Pamela's eyes, then jumped out the window using Hedwig as a glider. "Yes!" Harry said" we escaped.

Harry went to the train station and went to Hogwarts.


	2. Harry Goes Shopping

Harry Goes Shopping:

"Harry, Hermione, come here" Said Ron "A new store is open."

"You can go there" said Hagrid "As long as you stay together."

Harry and Hermione walked up to the store and looked up. "It's called the Voldemart" Said Hermione "It doesn't look trustworthy"

"Oh quit being a chicken" Taunted Ron.

"All right, I'll go" Hermione said.

They all walked into the store, past the checkouts (which only Hermione noticed the Checkout man had a funny mask. When the reached the isles Ron said "The video game isle is there, that's were I'll go."

"Me too" Said Harry

"I don't want to go there" Said Hermione.

"Well to bad your outvoted" Said Ron.

The trio went to the Video Game isle and bought a loot of games. When then got to checkout, the man pulled of his mask revealing Voldemort. "Harry Potter the boy who lived, prepare to die." He Said.

Harry and his friends just ran for their lives, and burst through the window. "Hey" Said Hagrid "Why did you rob the store"

"It was owned by Voldemort" Said Harry

"Then it is okay" Hagrid Replied.


	3. Draco Dials False Scores

Draco Dials False Scores:

Ron and Hermione were watching a Quadditch Game. "Go Harry" Shouted Hermione.

"Yeah, kick their Slytherin butts!". Ron yelled.

Ron looked at the Slytherin stands, and noticed Draco was missing. "Wheres Draco"

"I don't know" said Hermione "I saw him duck"

Suddenly out of the blue, the announcer shouted "Slytherin just scored, whoh they got got another score, and another, and another.  
>"I know what is happening" Said Ron "Cast a spell to let me see the invisible."<br>"Invisibleus Seeus" Hermione said waving her wand.  
>Ron saw Draco with his cloak in the announcer box. He put on his cloak, and ran across the field and climbed up the tower. When he reached the top, Ron pulled of Draco cloak. <p>

"Draco have you been dialing false scores for Slytherin" McGonagall said pointing an accusing finger at Draco.

"Unbelievable" Said the announcer. "Slytherin was caught cheating, Gryffindor automatically wins."

The Gryffindors cheered, the Slytherins booed. "Will I be punished?" Draco asked Snape.

"Obviously" Snape replied.

Suddenly Filch walked up "The toilets exploded." He said. "Crap is everywhere."

"You clean it up" said Snape to Draco.

At the bathroom Draco picked up the brush and walked to the toilet, but he slipped and fell into the bowl.

"KEEP WORKING YOU CRAPFACE!" Filch yelled.


	4. Dumbledore Gets Drunk

Dumbledore Gets Drunk:

Harry Potter walked up to Dumbledore. "Hi Dubledore" Harry Said.

Dumbledore held out a bottle of Champagne. "Champagne Harry?" Dumbledore asked.

"Are you kidding Dumbledore!" Harry Replied. "I'm way to young!"

"Oh yeah" Said Dumbledore.

"By the way, how many did you have?" Harry asked.

"Only 5" Said Dumbledore

"Five Bottles of Champagne!" Harry Said. "Are you Crazy.

Suddenly Cornelius Fudge walked in. "YOU DRUNKEN IDOIT!" He roared. "TO AZKABAN YOU GO!".

Cornelius took Dumbledore away. Ron and Hermione rushed in. "Bad news guys, Dumbledore is going to Azkaban." Said Harry

"They can't take him their without a trial" said Hermione.

"Then we'll interrupt the trial." Said Ron. "We need chainsaws and our brooms".  
>The trio grabbed the stuff and flew to the Ministry Building. When they got there they cut a hole in the ceiling. and dropped in. "Were taking Dumbledore" They chorused.<p>

They all grabbed Dumbledore and took him away.


	5. Kung Fu Cat

Kung Fu Cat:

Harry and his friends were snooping around, when Filch caught them. "What are you doing" He yelled.

"We'll beat you up!" said Harry.

Mr. Filch pulled a Gi out of his coat and put it on Mrs. Norris. She ran at Hermione and kicked her in the shin.

Then she climbed up Hermione and lunged at Ron. Ron tried to punch Mrs. Norris but she dodged, and ran along his arm and punched him in the nose.

"You may have beaten up my friends" Said Harry "But you can't beat up me."

Mrs. Norris tried to jump and punch Harry, but Harry caught the fists. "Hah" said Filch "She has two more paws.

Then Mrs. Norris Kicked Harry dropping him down.


	6. Special Broom Propulsion

Special Broom Propulsion:

Harry Potter was playing Quadditch, he speed after the Snitch, but Draco was closing in on it to. Suddenly Harry's broom slowed down. "Oh no" said Hermione " Harry's broom is slowing down.

"Do you have a spell to make him go faster" said Ron.

"I have one, but I'm not sure" Hermione Replied.

"Use It" Said Ron

"I'm jus..." Hermione began but Ron yelled "USE IT!"

"Alright" Said Hermione. "Canius Beanius" She Chanted.

Ron hurled the can at Harry who caught it. Harry opened the can of bean with the can opener in hi.. whooo Harry why do you have a can opener in your pocket. "Quit talking to me, and get back to narrating" Yelled Harry

Alright... Harry gluged down the Can. He let out a massive fart propelling him past Draco and he caught the Snitch.

"Griffindor wins!" The annoncer yelled.

"Nice job Hermione" Said Ron.

"You did good to" said Hermione.


	7. Dursleys at Hogwarts

Dursleys' at Hogwarts:

Vernon was sitting on his chair, angry his favorite pants were wrecked. "Hey dad" His son Dudley said. "Do you no how to go to that weird castle were Harry learns his tricks."

"I don't know" Vernon replied.

"If we find out We can ruin Harry's life." Dudley said laughing cruelly.

Vernon grabbed his silenced shotgun and went to wizard town along with Petunia and Dudley. He went up to Hagrid and said. "Were is Hogwarts"

"I can't tell you" Said Hagrid

Vernon pointed his shotgun at Hagrid and roared "TELL ME WERE HOGWARTS IS, OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!."

Hagrid told Vernon and his family were Hogwarts was, and they went there. When they got there, they went to Dumbledore's office. "Dumbledore, your fired, I'm the new headmaster." Vernon yelled."

"I want to be potion professor" said Dudley.

"Alright Dudley, I'll fire Snape" said Vernon.

When Harry went to Potion Class, he was surprised to see Dudley teaching class."Dudley, why are teaching Potion Class."

"Headmaster Vernon made me teacher" Dudley said.

"BUT YOUR CAN'T TEACH US ABOUT POTIONS!, YOU'RE PRACTICALLY RETARDED!" Harry Roared.

"Oh yes I can" Dudley replied.

Dudley dumped a bunch of liquids into a cup, but the cup exploded. Everyone, including Harry roared in laughter. "DETENTIONS FOR EVERYONE!" Dudley Screamed.

Then everyone moaned, especially Harry Potter. "Alright" Said Dudley "Do you hate Harry"

Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle raised their hands. "No detention for Draco, Crabbe and Goyle" Dudley said.

Everyone moaned even louder. Except Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle.

When Harry was done with detention he went to his room. He noticed his bag of money, which had the words All of Harry's Money, was gone. He ran out of his room, and fond Draco and his pals. "DRACO YOU AND YOUR PALS TOOK ALL OF MY MONEY!, GIVE IT BACK TO ME RIGHT NOW!," Harry yelled.

Harry took Draco and his pals to the headmaster's office. "Headmaster, theses kids stole all of my money."

Vernon took the bag of money from Draco. "Thank you" said Harry.

Vernon pulled the money back and laughed. "HA HA HA, I'TS ALL MINE"

Harry was really mad at Vernon. But he realised. If Vernon could fire Dumbledore, he could fire Vernon. He roared "UNCLE VERNON, YOU ARE FIRED, AND SO ARE YOU DUDLEY!."

Vernon grumbled and gave back the money, and left Hogwarts with his family. Harry was glad that Vernon was gone. "Harry you're fired" Dumbledore suddenly said from behind Harry.

"I am glad you fired me" Harry Replied. He did not want to be headmaster.


	8. Harry Pot

Harry Pot:

Harry Pot said "I am quite Pot"

Then Harry Potter walked up. "I am even Potter." He said

"Aw man" Said Harry Pot.

Then Harry Pottest walked up. "I am the Pottest of them all." He said.

"Aw man" Said Harry Pot and Harry Potter.


	9. Neville's Long Bottom

Neville's Long Bottom

Snape walked into his classroom to find every sitting down butt Neville. "Sit down Neville" said Snape.

"I can't" said Neville "My bottom is too long."

"Sit down!" yelled Snape.

Neville sat down but when he did his bottom squished down. Then he sprang into the air, and got caught in the ceiling.

"GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW NEVILLE!" screamed Snape."

The whole class started giggling. "I can't" said. Neville.

"Who will get him down" said Snape"

"Oh I'll get hi-" said Draco in a suck upish voice before he got interrupted.

"Windguardian Leveose" Said Snape as he elevated Draco up to the ceiling. But he could not pull down Neville.

"We need more people" said Snape.

Snape levitated Harry, Ron, and Hermione up to the ceiling but that was not enough to bring Neville down.

"What do we do now" said Snape

Suddenly Professer McGonagall came in through the door. "SNAPE, WHY ARE YOU DANGLING CHILDREN FROM THE CEILING!" she yelled.


	10. Horrible Headmaster

Horrible Headmaster:

"Hey Dumbledore" Harry Said.

"Yes Harry" Dumbledore replied.

"Well I was thinking, couldn't any one be Headmaster."

"Yes"

"Even Voldermort"

"Yes even Voldermort"

Suddenly Voldermort burst into the room. "

Your fired, and the firing policy is now banned."

"Boooh!" yelled Harry.

"Don't worry I have something fun to do. Just stand next to the stairs." said Voldermort.

Voldermort pushed Harry down the stairs. "That wasn't fun."

"Really, I had a lot of fun".

Suddenly Ron and Hermione came through the door. "Did Voldermort became headmaster, then through you down the stairs." asked Hermione.

"No"

"I think your lying"

Voldermort walked down the stairs. "Students I am your new headmaster."

"But Death Eater are not allowed to be headmaster, espciacally you." Hermione said.

"Too bad" said Voldermort.

Harry was taken to the infarmy for his injuries, but when he saw Dolores Umbridge. He wished he had not come. "So Harry, you broke your arm. Write some sentences and it will make it feel better."

"Seriously"

"No you idoit, it will make your arm feel alot worse. Especially with the pen I have."

Dolores was not lying writing sentences made Harry's arm feel much worse. Why coudn't he have a real nurse.

The next day Harry went to potion class, and found Bellatrix Lestrange teaching. "Oh no, not another death eater."

(Warning: Order of The Phoenix Spoilers)

"Students I will teach you how to use Polyjuice Potion."

"But we already learned it" said Hermione"

Bellatrix didn't and made a cup of the potion. She drank it and turned into Sirius Black. "HELP ME I'M DYING, BELLATRIX KILLED ME!"

"STOP MOCKING HIS DEATH!" Harry Screamed.

"I'M GOING TO DIE" She yelled keeping up the act.

Bellatrix collapsed and turned back to her origanl form.

( End Order of The Phoenix Spoilers)

Harry walked up to Bellatrix but she picked him up and threw him out the window. When Hermione looked out the window so see if Harry was okay Bellatrix threw him out to "I'M TIRED OF THIS!" Ron Screamed. "THE FIRING POLICY OFFICIALLY BACK IN ORDER, VOLDERMORT, UMBRIDGE, AND LESTRANGE ARE ALL FIRED!"

The Death Eater left Hogwarts and Dumbledore came back. Harry and Hermione were healed by a nurse who knew what she was doing, AND DID NOT TORTURE HER PATIENTS.


	11. Leg Theft

Leg Theft:

Draco, Goyle, Crabbe went up to Harry, Ron and Hermione holding a bag while giggling, "Hey Harry, I've got present for you"

"What is it Draco"

"Just accept it Harry"

When Harry opened the bag, he saw Mad Eye Moody's fake leg. Suddenly Draco and his pals tackled Harry, Ron, and Hermione. "We caught the thieves" Draco yelled.

Mad Eye Moody rolled up to them took the leg from Harry. "Why did you steal my leg!" He yelled.

"I didn't"

"YOU LIAR!" Moody hit Harry on the head with his leg.

"Now" said Moody. "I need my bolts"

Goyle handed him the Bolts. Suddenly Moody just realized something. "How did you have my bolts"

Draco and his pals ran away, but Moody chased them down, beat them up, and gave them detention.


	12. Head Wig

Head Wig:

Harry woke up one morning and grabbed seed to feed "Hedwig. But she was gone. Did his broom do it. No, that would be crazy. Harry saw a note in her cage. "I'm tired of baldness so I took your owl to make myself a Head Wig. Signed Voldemort"

Harry ran to Dumbledore's office. "Help me Dumbledore. Voldemort is going to kill my owl."

"I'm sorry Harry" said Dumbledore while Fawke cawed in sympathy.

"How are we going to get her back"

"I've got a plan."

"Dumbledore grabbed his quill and wrote a note. It read "Dear Voldemort, I have a better Head wig for you. You can find it at the Hogwarts Headmaster's office. Signed Dumbledore. PS: This is not a trick."

"Is it not a trick"

"No"

Dumbledore pulled out a knife. "I'm sorry Fawkes this will hurt, but it's for Harry's owl."  
>Dumbledore cut some feathers off Fawkes and made a head wig from them. They then waited for Voldemort. When he came he had Hedwig. Dumbledore handed Voldemort the wig. "So are you going to give back Hedwig."<br>"No, I lied"  
>"I lied too."<br>Suddenly Voldemort's wig caught on fire. "AAAAA!" he screamed as he ran out of the office dropping Hedwig on the way out. He ran out the door and never came back. At least not in a while. 


	13. Death Eater Choir

Death Eater Choir:

"Alright Death Eaters" Voldemort announced. "Turn to your song books to page 266. _Mudbloods Deserve to Die_."

The whole Choir sang the song well, especially Bellatrix Lestrange. But something was wrong. It was Peter Pettigrew's piano playing. "Peter, you are playing poorly."

"Yes" he said meekly.

Voldemort picked him up and threw him down the stairs. "I'm still alive" Pettigrew called from down the stairs."

Voldemort surfed down the stairs riding the piano. When he reached the bottom he jumped up and down on Peter Pettigrew. "Do you think he died." Bellatrix asked.

"Yes. But he will probably be back."


	14. Doloreses Meet

Dolereses Meet:

Harry Potter was in detention with Dolores Umbridge when suddenly a woman burst into the door. The woman was a short old lady like Dolores but much thinner and much less ugly. "YOUR SO FAT OTHER UMBRIDGE!"

"What!" said Umbridge.

"I am Movie Umbridge."

"No I am Dolores Umbridge."

"You are Book Umbridge, and you need to lose weight. One hundred push ups and sit ups"

Movie Umbridge made Book Umbridge do the workout while making Harry Potter write sentences with the blood quill. It was very painful but seing Book Umbridge suffer too made it easier.

The next day Book Umbridge was eating a large plate when Movie Umbridge stopped her. "WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MUCH YOU FATSO!"

Movie Umbridge dumped the food into the fire, and then smashed the plate across Book

Umbridge's head. "See you give out pain but you can't take it."

because "But you can't either." said Harry.

"Detention for both of you" said Movie Umbridge.

"But you can't give other teachers detentions".

"Yes I can."

"Actually neither of you can because your both fired."

"Darn it! He remembered complained the Umbridges"


	15. Vermione

Vermione:

Harry was at the Dursleys house when he heard a knock on the door. "I'll get it!" Harry announced as ran to the door. When he opened the door he saw that it was Ron and Hermione. "Hi guys" Harry said.

Vernon dashed up to the door. "What are your wizard pals doing here!" he demanded.

Suddenly Hermione's eyes went wide, Ron eyes did too but it was a different wideness. "Hermione?" he asked slowly and nervously.

"Yes?" Hermione replied, only paying Ron half attention.

"What are you doing Hermione?"

"Isn't it obvious" replied Hermione "I'm in love with Uncle Vernon."

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Ron.

"My...my...my Uncle Vernon?!" Harry asked in shock.

Harry and Ron ran down the street screaming in shock and terror. "What do we do?" Harry cried. "Hermione is insane."

Meanwhile Vernon put a pile of papers down on the table. "Sign this." he said.

"Okay" replied Pamela.

When she signed the paper, Vernon moved the other papers. "HA! HA! HA! HA! WE ARE ARE DIVORCED! WE ARE DIVORCED!" he sang as he danced around the room.

"Oh brother" said Pamela.

Dudley walked down the stairs. "Dad what going on" he cried.

"I divorced your mom! I'm marrying Hermione!"

"Your sick dad."

A few weeks later Ron and Harry were coming up with a plan. "Here the plan" said Ron. "We go to the restaurant where Hermione and Vernon are on their date. Then we sneak into the kitchen and spike his food with Mexican Killer Hot Death Sauce."

Harry and Ron went to the restaurant to see what Vernon would order. "I want fudge cake." he said.

"But sir" replied the waiter. " The dessert course is not till later."

"I WANT CAKE!" roared Vernon.

"Coming up sir"

"That's our cue" said Ron.

Harry and Ron snuck into the kitchen and prepared to dump the hot sauce on the cake. Suddenly the chef noticed them. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY KITCHEN?!" he roared.

The chef dumped Mexican Killer Hot Death Sauce down Harry and Ron throats until it was all gone. Harry and Ron ran through the restaurant screaming in pain. Everyone panicked, except for Vernon and Hermione who were to lovey-dovey to notice.

A few days later Hermione walked up to Harry and Ron. "Good new guys." she said. " Vernon proposed! WERE GETTING MARRIED!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Harry and Ron.

"The wedding is in a month."

Harry and Ron spent the next 30 days crying in an alley while eating french bread soaked with Mexican Killer Hot Death Sauce. On the last day Harry stood up. "WE HAVE TO STOP THAT WEDDING!"

At the wedding the pastor was rather unimpressed. Most of the weddings he held were in churches, and with many guests. Here the wedding was in a living room, with the groom's son, sister, and ex-wife as the only guests. Not to mention their was an enormous age gap between the bride and groom.

Harry and Ron were posed to break up the wedding. "What do we do?" asked Ron.

"Just wait" said Harry.

"If anyone obj..."

"...WE OBJECT!" roared Harry and Ron.

"What wrong with this wedding?" asked the pastor.

"First of all" said Harry. "There is a massive age gap."

"Secondly." said Ron. "They proposed on their first date."

"They decided to date upon first meeting each other."

"And he casually left his wife."

"Who he had a decent marriage with."

"Alright" said the pastor. "No more wedding."

"Aww dang it" said Vernon. "At least I get to enjoy the wedding food."

Veron walked into the kitchen, but all the wedding food was gone. "DUDLEY!" he roared.

"Lets go." said Harry.

But as they were leaving, Ron turned around and went wide eyed.

"Ron?" asked Harry.

"Harry! I'm in love! With your AUNT! MARGE!"


End file.
